4.10.2024
i think i may just be a man. ive been living in this weird limbo for so long of being half in the closet and half out. not good. and its stupid because everytime i come out of the closet im so much happier.
i have an appointment on the 19th to discuss going on HRT. im trying to not get my hopes up because it depends how it will show up on insurance. if its something i can just say is birth control then im going to do it. this might be stupid, it might out me to my parents which would suck but once i get a job i can probably manage to be independent which would be nice. i dont think i can survive another 2 years without HRT which is dark but true. i need something to change or im going to end up offing myself which i dont actually want anymore. thats a good thing, hope for transition being possible is the first thing thats kept me from wanting to kill myself since i was 11. its just not fair that my dad sucks so much. i just want to be his son which will never fucking happen. im more mad than anything else. i know its not good but i really do hate him.
1.29.2024
gender! is! so! confusing! i dont get it!
like i thought i was a boy and that was upsetting because it would mean i lose my family and have to change everything. but now im scared that im wrong. thats the scariest possible outcome, i come out, lose my family, and then im wrong and have no one to lean on. shits scary.
im probably some form of nonbinary, but thats also scary. theres no going stealth with being nonbinary. to be true to myself i have to tell everyone. terrifying!
1.3.2024
i miss syracuse!! i miss people calling me aj!! i miss being out and comfortable(ish) in my own skin!!
i really fucking miss being called aj. i dont feel like myself here. i just wish i could tell my parents and have everything be okay but i know it wouldnt go over well. i know it could be worse, but it still fucking sucks. i feel like im living in a house full of strangers.
12.28.2023
ive been trying to not think about identity as much recently and just let myself exist without needing a specific label. labels can give comfort and community but they can also be so constrictive.
ive been wearing my binder more. its nice. euphoric. ive still been thinking about getting a packer. i should look into that more.
12.19.2023
im going home tomorrow. not exactly excited for it because it means that ill have to go back in the closet kinda. its a weird limbo state right now, im not hiding it anymore, my name and my pronouns are in my instagram bio. if my mom asked i dont think id lie about it. but also im definitely not going to come out officially or verbally. i might never come out. thats kind of sad to think about, the people that raised me will never truly know or understand me. to be fair i dont know if ill ever truly know or understand myself but thats a whole different story.
one of my friends messaged me today asking how i identified and if it had changed from nonbinary. i told them i wasnt really sure what words to use but i was aj and i used he/she pronouns. they wished me luck on my "journey".
ive been thinking about getting a packer recently. not to be crass but god i wish i was born with a dick. i keep having dreams where i have a dick and i always wake up feeling like im missing something. theres a scene in stone butch blues where jess is having sex with a woman who thinks she is a cis man. ze uses a strap-on and the woman never finds out. then the next day the woman says nasty shit about queer people without ever knowing who jess really is and jess drives her home and never sees her again. kind of heartbreaking but most of that book is. what i love about that scene is that jess gets hir pleasure entirely from hir partner's pleasue. i wish i was a stone butch, a he-she, a bulldagger. theyre strong.
12.18.2023
i've been reading lots of queer shit recently.Stone Butch Blues and Drag King Dreams by Feinberg and my gender workbook by Bornstein. i've also been thinking about the rigidity of sex and gender. I know I'm not a woman, at least not in the traditional sense. I dont know if I'm strictly a man either. If the multiverse is real and in some other universe i was born a cis man i still think i would be left unsatisfied.
i think that actually sums it up quite well, unsatisified. i wrote my college essay on how i wanted to learn everything and experience everything in the world. i would imagine this hermit alone in a cave learning about the world but with no time left to actually live it. i would imagine myself as this hermit, completely detached but knowing everything the world has to offer. deep down i think thats what ive always wanted. to be able to know how everyone lives without actually having to commit to one life.
i hope reincarnation is real. the idea of only having one life is dreadfully depressing. knowing that every decision i make and every day i live cuts off opportunities for me. ill never be a child prodigy or a world famous ballerina or astrophysicist. i wish i could live through every life that's ever been lived. go through every exciting day and mundane decision ever made. i wish i could live life as a man a woman and everything else.
i also worry that im too rigid in my definitions for myself. that i find a label i like the sounds of and i stick with it. im scared i will miss out on something because im scared of how it will line up with my label and other peoples perception of my labels. i currently identify as a boygirl lesbian dykefag thing. its still a work in progress. i dont know if i even really care about labels all that much. ill usually just say lesbian or queer and not even get into the "possible" transexuality aspect. ive been so scared to say that im trans for so long. im worried ill lose family over it, not that that would be a huge loss. but more-so im scared ill be wrong. im scared the label i choose will be wrong and ill have to turn around with no support. but im taking small steps. ive started going by aj. changing my name is something ive always kind of thought of doing but been too chicken to do. anyways i was scared that it would feel weird and id want to change it back immediately but i didnt. i loved it. i love when people call me aj, it feels right. it feels like im finally coming home to myself.