4.10.2024
ok i really forgot about this, sorry again to my loyal fans (hi annie)
im working on a queer science zine. about to interview a trans woman in stem which im very excited for. it will be cool to have an actual interview this time. if someone who i dont know irl finds this and wants a copy lmk and ill mail one.
im switching therapist to someone who specializes in queer issues so that will be good. i need someone other than my friends to talk to about all this shtuff.
2.16.2024
yet again i have been forgetting to update. sorry again to my loyal fans. anyways i had one of the worst therapy sessions today. first off i hate talk therapy but i have to do it so i qualify for medication through my insurance. so we were talking and it was mad awkward as always and she recommended i do this twelve step program call self mutilators anonymous which right off the bat, ew. but then i looked it up and its all jesus worshipping bullshit. like literally how would that help at all. whatever.
its been really cold and gross here. it sucks. i just want it to be warm again. im excited for summer i got a job as a zoo camp counselor so that will be fun.
i havent really felt like writing anything recently. i havent been journaling either. that might not be a good thing. oh well ill figure it out later.
1.28.2024
hi hi ive forgotten to update for so long. so sorry to my loyal fanbase. its been good to be back in syracuse. ive been doing better. im currently wine drunk and just watched but im a cheerleader. good ass movie. i need to get wine drunk more often, this shit fucks.
1.10.2024
ive been sleeping like shit lately. i keep waking up in the middle of the night and having weird ass dreams. not fun. and because im so fucking tired my head hurts all the time. it sucks majorly. maybe i should look into doing drugs.
im going to nyc with some friends tomorrow. im so excited to not be in my shit ass hometown finally. i miss having things to do. its so fucking boring here
12.29.2023
i had a super weird dream last night. i went skydiving, was in a shooting (sidenote: i have a lot of dreams where im in shootings. this one was pretty tame and similar to the actual time i was in the mall and it went on lockdown because there was a "shooting"(someone fired two rounds into a trashcan lol)), and in the dream one of my teeth rotted and fell out. if anyones a dream expert and knows what that means lmk.
i also got a new journal today, very exciting and swag. its really cool looking and im going to write down all my evil thoughts in it :}
12.28.2023
pretty boring day today. i journaled and wrote the statement "i spend so much of life wishing it away". i really do. so much of my time is spent wishing for things to be over and wishing to move onto the next thing. i should work on that and work on being more present in the moment and enjoying it.
12.25.2023
hi hi merry xmas or whatever. my grandparents got me an electric bike so i have been racing around all day. it is very cool and awesome and improved my quality of life quite a bit. i also got a leather jacket and a watch so im super cool and awesome now.
i miss my friends in syr. this blows and im bored. thats a lie im having a good time, i just dont like change in my routine and i miss seeing my dorkass friends. also i miss smoking on the porch. i miss smoking on the porch a lot. they should pay me to sit on porches and smoke and gossip with my friends.
12.23.2023
my mom totally guessed that i got another tattoo. i dont even know what wichcraft she used to figure out, she definitely didnt see it its on my thigh. she also caught me smoking today so that wasnt great. i feel like im turning into someone who my mom doesnt really like. its hard to come into myself while silmultaneously moving farther away from my family.
i went over to my friends house today. we just made different art, talked, ate good food, listened to joni mitchell and smoked. it was absolutely lovely. i love my friends so much.
i also think my meds are starting to work so thats wonderful. ive had more passion and interest in doing things i enjoy again. its really amazing. good day today.
12.21.2023
went out with a friend to get lunch and go shoplifting today. it was fun! ive missed having a car and being able to go out whenever i want. i got a really cute green nailpolish.
i also had therapy today, i kinda hate therapy to be so real. she wanted to talk about my trauma. i just dont get what that solves. she said it helps people realize that childhood trauma is largely not the child's fault which like, no shit. i know the bad things that happened to me as a kid werent my fault and i dont see how talking about them is going to help. i dont think talk therapy is for me.
12.20.2023
im on the train home right now. shout out amtrak for the wifi im living like a king. im listening to this playlist right now. ive been really into big theif recently. i need to expand my music taste a bit, everything seems bland right now.
i dont really know how i feel about going home. i get to see my friends toninght so that will be really fun (hi if youre reading this:p). im going to miss my syracuse friends. last year in therapy i said something along the lines of "i just wish i could put every person ive ever loved into a box and keep them all safe and protected". a nice sentiment but it would probably end up like that adventure time episode where finn gets mini versions of all the characters and creates little stories with them (sidenote that episode is lowkey really fucked up). but i still think about that sentiment a lot. feel free to psychoanalyze me.
i think i might rewatch juno on the train ride. i fucking love that movie.